no more sap

Methinks me has to stop the sap. It's boring to look at the weepy stuff I put up here. So from now, I am going to do some serious diary-style mulling, and some serious story writing here. Need to hone the story telling skills. Is that the maternal instinct beckoning? Who knows!

Untitled

I haven't written in a while. I try to post something every month, I guess I missed Oct 09 by a day. It's ironical how my blog is full of poems, yet the blog identity suggests anything but a collection of poems! Abinav also pointed out recently that I haven't written in a while. So here I go again!

My life has been anything, but peaceful, in the last couple of years. I lost all father figures in my life in this span, all men in my life just disappeared. To be honest, it sent me reeling. I just don't know how I managed to breathe in the last year especially after my father passed away. But live I have! And my facebook pics are testimonial to my working-weekdays-partying-weekends lifestyle.

Yet, I find the greatest joy in a quiet moment of solitude, in contemplation. Not just introspection, as a matter of fact, I am wary of self-prosecution as I end up feeling cut up with myself. I think about the ways of the world, the times we live in, the events we are witness to. I often think about how difficult it must have been for the first generation Indians to come to this faraway land and alien culture that must have been so hostile to them in the beginning. Hostile climates, clementine interactions. A friend was talking about how her dad came to the US in 1970 from the then Bombay to Chicago in January. And everyone looked at him as though he got out of a UFO. They hadn't heard of a place called India. Strange? More terrifying, I would say.

My life is so simple. I chat with mom everyday, see her face everyday - though she lives oceans away. I can talk to her at any time. My sister is updated with the important events in my life. I haven't as yet held my lil nephew in my arms, yet I see grin and monkey around to catch him smiling on the webcam at least once a week! A long lost friend was rediscovered and I am in conversation with her everyday though she lives in NZ. I cook Indian food and my kitchen is stocked with exotic stuff ranging from kesar to kokum to tamarind to even goda and dabeli masala! All bought in the local Indian store.

Those first generation Indian immigrants were a courageous lot. Traveling miles from the familiarity, comfort and luxury of home to a place not-so-welcoming of them, that calls for courage of conviction. Yes, they sought a better life, but they had to sacrifice a lot to win their medals and build their homes. I can't imagine living in those times. I would run back home. I know I couldn't have survived.

I often chide my parents for belonging to a confused generation that was stuck between the traditions of the old, the liberterian younger generation and their own dreams. Yet, today, I stand to benefit from some of their sacrifices, their inventions, their discoveries. Quietly, they lay a solid foundation for us, the children of the 90s to erect our glorious edifices on. And to them, I credit my comfortable life of today.

the first journey

Starting out as a cell
A white morulous swell
Lubbing dubbbing third week
Spouting fingers'n'toes sleek

Squished up inside
A warm cocoon to reside
Months of hibernation
Then kicking in preparation

Our lives squeezed in a funnel
through the whirlpool of a narrow tunnel
We come to the light
Of warm hopes, smiles and delight

Thanks

Delirious with joy am I
Eyes brimming with tears
Oscillating wildly between extremes
Emotional pendulum, I cry

Coldplay cooing a trance
I lift my hands wide in the air to the chorus
Rain drops falling large and fast
Wiping the sweat and wrinkles from my face

Levitating I am in tragicomedy
Who might it be elevating my status
A thousand faces I can fix on those strong shoulders
Bow to thee all, in utter humility

The interplay of laughter and tears
Antonymic in their act
Thanks to you, I survive
The roller coaster we ride together

Come back NOW.

The temptation to call
A peek into my inbox
Has there been a shred of evidence
That we're being remembered this Fall?

Shunt you out, I haven't
Blasphemous a call
Yo-yo goes the plea
For a distance unpleasant

Come back old times
For fun, frolic and smiles
Unbridled with distraught
Bring back the sunshine.

miss you, my dear friend.

i sit here in silence
thinking about you
wondering how you'd be
shuffling in your seat

i am so excited that
dawn will here be soon
and i can call you and chirp
about the last two moons

you will be gone soon
i think sadly
how close we've grown
over the summer gladly

yet i will wait
for your return each time
and sit and fool around
with you my friend anytime!

vishnu sahasranamam

Anger is tiring. That's my latest realization in life. It's such a build up of unnecessary wasteful energy - if retained, I lose myself to a foul mood; if vented, I spew harsh regrettable words. These days, Vishnu Sahasranamam has been my panacea for calming the bullish rage in me, and yes it works! Writing has been the other effective creative channel I have adopted and patronized - and yes, this works perfectly too!

I've never been overtly religious, but I would definitely call myself spiritual. I explain the difference in describing the form as a disciplined yet ritualistic way of life and spirituality as my own personal connection with a higher form of energy we commonly refer to as God. This being defined, the shloka mentioned is extremely soothing to my frayed nerves. Reciting it or just listening to MSS's version radiates positive warm vibes and in a matter of minutes, I am a different person. I have been practising listening and reciting the Sahasranamam everyday for the past 9-10 months now and it has only helped me tremendously. I often ponder over what could be embedded in these shlokas that has such a powerful effect on me. Is it the words, the tune or the rhythm of the breath when we recite it? The mystic surrounding this befuddles me all the time and yet I am happy to enter the realm of confusion everyday.

Anger, sadness, disappointment are all washed away. The unwanted energy dissipated, and suddenly I experience a suffusion of fresh thoughts, ideas and creative energy. Suddenly, life seems so much more manageable than it was 30.20 mins ago. I also listen to the Suprabhatam in the morning - one of my favorite activities of the day. And the more I listen to them, the more I am inclined to believe that we're all just interacting forces of energy. I'll explain this metaphysical idea another day. But for now, I just feel humbled by the thought that I am actually just a miniscule mass of energy in the play of the universe.

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti-hi.